There’s comfort and pleasure in occasionally enjoying a late night snack.

I was inspired by this story, written by Anca Faget, as it touched on not only a delicate subject matter, but took a twist into the darkness of the human mind, its impulses and desires. Ultimately, it used a strong metaphor to directly highlight how fast we can compromise our values, moral code and even the story that we tell ourselves about ourselves.

The dark tone is, again, up my alley, however, I find myself feeling the need to distance myself from it. I’m not sure if that’s my honest desire, though, if the interest in the dark and macabre is a genuine interest and not a manifestation of some deep wound that’s yet to heal.

Or if I won’t let it heal because I keep scratching it by allowing it to manifest in my ARTWORK.

This painting was a challenge that took me months to complete. It took a few attempts and a lot of back and forth. As previously stated, I really wanted to challenge myself and stress test my abilities, my workflow and my patience.

It was also a challenge because it took place during a very chaotic and uncertain period of time in my life, where not only my conviction for creative expression was challenged, but also my ability to create with an empty emotional tank.

As much as I value learning on my own, however, there is this clear pattern I’m starting to notice; a chaotic amalgamation of notions, workflows and even taste, brought on my randomly consuming the artwork, methods and even ideologies of the creators I admire.

From a practical standpoint, the most obvious take-away is that I take way too long on these pieces. This one piece took over 20 hours, which is insanely long. And, between you and me, it’s clear that I rushed (again) to finish it, either due to confusion and overwhelm from my technical shortcomings, or due to sheer boredom and need to just put something out there.

At the same time, the pressure to pump out “content” (I hate this word with a passion) doesn’t really allow for an artist to spend so much time on one thing. Therefore, if I try to really give a piece the time to slowly develop naturally and masterfully, I disappear for weeks, if not months, from the online world. Meanwhile, if I don’t, no one can discover me.

This is going to be a struggle that I’ll probably touch on often as I wrestle with it and find a healthy middle-ground.

On one side, there’s the technical aspect; I need to improve and reinforce my grasp upon the fundamentals. And try to reject some of the “recipes” I keep seeing online, especially if they don’t jive with me.

On the other, there’s this constant pressure to find a way to market yourself constantly. And I dislike it. Big surprise, an artist that dislikes promoting himself. Well, at least, not in the way I keep trying to do it.

And maybe that’s the connection between my current predicament and the way in which Stella compromises herself, drops her pretense and conviction in the way she is and what she actually values, at the cost of Mia and herself.

Even though she lost her battle with the need for external validation at any cost, I keep trying to wrestle with it. Some days, I am convinced that trying to juggle so many aspects of developing and spreading my name is a waste of time that will always lead to practically no results and a lot of burnout.

Other days, I get stuck for hours in trying to massage my process that might allow me to pump out more “content” so I give people a (very small) chance to find me on their home pages.

In essence, I love creating for the sake of it, and find immense joy when at least one person finds value, entertainment or connection with what I share.

At the same time, the need for resources, exposure and opportunities will sometimes make me ignore that completely, throwing me into a spiral that always ends with “fuck this, I wanna quit”.

There’s no conclusion for me here yet. I’m still fighting this dragon.

I wanted to record these thoughts for my future self.

And maybe I’ll reach a point where I can look back and be proud that I didn’t sacrifice my true self for empty admiration and still treasure my fupa.